I was moonlighting (nag-sideline) this weekend and had an interesting conversation on parenting and marital life. One of the parties was complaining that their spouse was not too involved with children’s activities. The child had just established her dominance of a sport in her school, wanted one of the parties to come and see her play – and the standard reply was, I have to wake up early tomorrow for work. It can be such a big letdown to a child. You know, someone who you think the world of, who you adore, has no time for you and does not even make the effort to find the time for a child. And so went a laundry list of litanies – including upbringing.
I had a eureka question – speaking of parenting and upbringing, what style of parenting do most Pinoys have – and could it be related to the type of citizens that profligate in these 7,100 islands of ours. Hmm… first stop – read up on parenting styles. Here’s what I found about parenting styles in about.com
Developmental psychologists have long been interested in how parents impact child development. However, finding actual cause-and-effect links between specific actions of parents and later behavior of children is very difficult. Some children raised in dramatically different environments can later grow up to have remarkably similar personalities. Conversely, children who share a home and are raised in the same environment can grow up to have astonishingly different personalities than one another.
Despite these challenges, researchers have uncovered convincing links between parenting styles and the effects these styles have on children. During the early 1960s, psychologist Diana Baumrind conducted a study on more than 100 preschool-age children (Baumrind, 1967). Using naturalistic observation, parental interviews and other research methods, she identified four important dimensions of parenting:
- Disciplinary strategies
- Warmth and nurturance
- Communication styles
- Expectations of maturity and control
Based on these dimensions, Baumrind suggested that the majority of parents display one of three different parenting styles. Further research by also suggested the addition of a fourth parenting style (Maccoby & Martin, 1983).
The Four Parenting Styles
- Authoritarian Parenting
In this style of parenting, children are expected to follow the strict rules established by the parents. Failure to follow such rules usually results in punishment. Authoritarian parents fail to explain the reasoning behind these rules. If asked to explain, the parent might simply reply, “Because I said so.” These parents have high demands, but are not responsive to their children. According to Baumrind, these parents “are obedience- and status-oriented, and expect their orders to be obeyed without explanation” (1991).
- Authoritative Parenting
Like authoritarian parents, those with an authoritative parenting style establish rules and guidelines that their children are expected to follow. However, this parenting style is much more democratic. Authoritative parents are responsive to their children and willing to listen to questions. When children fail to meet the expectations, these parents are more nurturing and forgiving rather than punishing. Baumrind suggests that these parents “monitor and impart clear standards for their children’s conduct. They are assertive, but not intrusive and restrictive. Their disciplinary methods are supportive, rather than punitive. They want their children to be assertive as well as socially responsible, and self-regulated as well as cooperative” (1991).
- Permissive Parenting
Permissive parents, sometimes referred to as indulgent parents, have very few demands to make of their children. These parents rarely discipline their children because they have relatively low expectations of maturity and self-control. According to Baumrind, permissive parents “are more responsive than they are demanding. They are nontraditional and lenient, do not require mature behavior, allow considerable self-regulation, and avoid confrontation” (1991). Permissive parents are generally nurturing and communicative with their children, often taking on the status of a friend more than that of a parent.
- Uninvolved Parenting
An uninvolved parenting style is characterized by few demands, low responsiveness and little communication. While these parents fulfill the child’s basic needs, they are generally detached from their child’s life. In extreme cases, these parents may even reject or neglect the needs of their children.
The Impact of Parenting Styles
What effect do these parenting styles have on child development outcomes? In addition to Baumrind’s initial study of 100 preschool children, researchers have conducted numerous other studies than have led to a number of conclusions about the impact of parenting styles on children.
- Authoritarian parenting styles generally lead to children who are obedient and proficient, but they rank lower in happiness, social competence and self-esteem.
- Authoritive parenting styles tend to result in children who are happy, capable and successful (Maccoby, 1992).
- Permissive parenting often results in children who rank low in happiness and self-regulation. These children are more likely to experience problems with authority and tend to perform poorly in school.
- Uninvolved parenting styles rank lowest across all life domains. These children tend to lack self-control, have low self-esteem and are less competent than their peers.
Why Do Parenting Styles Differ?
After learning about the impact of parenting styles on child development, you may wonder why all parents simply don’t utilize an authoritative parenting style. After all, this parenting style is the most likely to produce happy, confident and capable children. What are some reasons why parenting styles might vary? Some potential causes of these differences include culture, personality, family size, parental background, socioeconomic status, educational level and religion.
Of course, the parenting styles of individual parents also combine to create a unique blend in each and every family. For example, the mother may display an authoritative style while the father favors a more permissive approach. In order to create a cohesive approach to parenting, it is essential that parents learn to cooperate as they combine various elements of their unique parenting styles.
With these in mind, I had this sort of video instant replay playing out in my mind about what parenting style is dominant among Filipinos? So, I tried to recall how I was raised – as well as those of all the people I have come to know – friends, family, co-workers.
A typical admonition when with a toddler (a child in the development state) is
- you better follow or your ass will be whooped, literally;
- never question the elders (even if their logic and reasoning is faulty) – wag kang walang respeto;
- it’s my way or the highway, I’m the one paying the bills
The long and short of it is that – most Pinoys are raised in an authoritarian environment – for short, the introduction to authoritarianism starts within the Filipino family.
Based on my empirical observations and unscientific survey… LOL – lots of blue collar families have this idea that the best parenting style is the “Kastila style” or in Cebuano – “kinatsila”. What exactly is the “kastila” style of parenting? The “kastila style” of parenting (as described by old-times) are accentuated by any of the following behaviors:
- Do not talk unless I say so.
- Do not question my authority.
- You are my property and I can do with you as you please.
- Spare the whip and spoil the child (huwes de cochillo).
- Do not bring shame to this family, family comes first, persons are subordinate to the “greater good” as defined by the patriarch/matriarch.
This is an obvious vestige of the feudal colonial days which I believe should die a hard death. We have so become accustomed to these behaviors that to us Pinoys, this abnormality is the norm.
We condition our children to become good authoritarian subjects. No wonder when they grow up to become citizens -they are obedient and proficient (in whatever dysfunction was embedded in their psyche), but they rank lower in happiness, social competence and self-esteem.
And due to the lack of an understanding of democracy – at home and in the school – we have citizens who are prone to become conformists, get easily swayed by the bandwagon – like sheeps being herded into a slaughterhouse. And those who have been hit real hard – would rather be the dictator, than the dictated. Imagine these people growing up polarized into two camps – dictator and the dictated on.
What chances does democracy have when the basic social fabric woven by the family – does not have a clue about the engine which drives democracy – free, thinking, sovereign – let me emphasize.. individuals.
My personal take is this – if we are to become a truly democratic nation – we better start teaching it at home and use a more appropriate parenting style.
Democracy begins at home.